Animals Can Talk

I've determined this.

Given this is off the heels of a bad trip, and I'm still a little buzzed, but think about it.

Humans have their own form of letters, words, and languages. A bunch of random noises and sounds we've strung to together and convinced each other that it means something. To animals when we talk, they probably don't understand us. When animals make noises we can't understand them, but they probably have just as complex of a language as we do. They probably have words and those words have meaning.

Therefore I've determined dogs can talk.

New blogs on the way from me...I've got a lot to talk about.

In Response

We should start a night zoo. We'll have nothing but nocturnal animals and give everyone night vision goggles. People will love it.

Here's A Riddle For Ya

Would someone please explain to me why the zoo has nocturnal animals? You ever been to a zoo at night time?

Why would I want to pay to see animals sleep? Furthermore why would anyone wanna go to the zoo anyways? Why not just go to Petco and use your imagination if you really wanna see animals that bad.

Thanksgiving

Ladies and gentlemen, only three days away is the greatest holidy in the United States of America. Thanksgiving. It involves: free food (for me at least), football (if NFL Network hasn't stolen all of the games yet) and family. Three very important F's (possibly 4 if you're with a date). So tell me loyal readers in comment form, what do you have to be thankful for as of this Thursday?

Life One Weekend At A Time

Soon I hope to have something slightly more interesting to talk about, but since I don't at this time...here goes..


So I went to my friend's house on Saturday. The goal of the evening? To get a tattoo. Now once we arrive at his house, we're greeted by his girl mooning us.....I regretfully turned away...why I don't quite know...but nevertheless I did. Anyways I suppose getting a tattoo is slightly difficult when you and each of your friends show up stoned and your girl is apparently rather drunk. Also...not calling ahead of time and showing up at 8 PM is also a bit of a fopaw.

Per usual I got fairly fucked up. It was kind of a different feeling though, I wasn't really all that amused, I just felt really...really good. My senses were heightened. I didn't really talk, just sat there on the floor enjoying it. My joy was short lived as it was time to head to the tattoo parlor. A nasty fall [my leg bent backwards] coupled with a long walk in the cold made those positive feelings change real quick.

Once we finally got there I sat on this little couch/bench combination. I starred intensely at the ass of a lovely young lady. I felt a little bad, since I'm sure everyone knew, but it's not really my fault now is it? Chances are you know your pants don't fit, if you wish to disregard such knowledge and do nothing about the problem, I see this as a green light for my perverted pleasures.

Now while I was having a jolly little time, it turns out that hey.......there isn't enough time to do the tattoo. Surprise surprise considering it was only...8 PM at night....

To make things worse on the walk home...I completely slowed down. Not because I didn't want to walk, but it felt like time has froze, I just walked rather slowly...which lead my group of friends to be slightly concerned...

We got back to the house and fired a few more up. That seemed to put me in better spirits.

It seems as though I may have an "interest"

She's the sister of my friend's step-sister. I don't know for sure, but she seems like she could be interested. She's not really all that great in terms of personality or looks for that matter, but she is rather "blessed" in the chest region. Not my ideal thing, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I've also tried contacting a rather unpleasant bi friend from high school. Basically I'm just trying to find something to do to pass the time. If something better comes along then so be it, but it's good to have something to fill time.

This whole post makes me come off as a rapist....doesn't it?


I'm almost ashamed of myself for letting my standards fall to the wayside, but the time has come.

I'll probably post something later this week, but till then this is the best I can do....

A New Mystery

Following in the footsteps of my trusty coblogger here, Detective Dan would like to report about his Saturday, but there's a mystery to solve.

You see last weekend I was at the same individual's house, and I saw something disturbing. Upon lifting the commode I spotted remaining evidence of waste disposal. It was a mere nugget so I expected it was simply accidental.

Then Saturday I again came to the conculsion that I needed to urinate. I open the lid of the waste disposal machine, to come face to face with a large sample of fecal matter and a river of urine already left for me.

It's fucking disgusting is what it is.

The youngest person in my friend's family is 14. I'd be willing to bet that everyone in that house has used the bathroom one a day if not more. That would mean they've flushed the toilet over 10,000 times. One would figure that if you did something 10,000 times, you'd pretty much perfect it.

Take blinking for example. I can blink every time, each and every time I get the desire to blink, I do so successfully. If I want to turn on a light switch, I can and I do...each time without fail.

So how hard is it to flush a fucking toilet? Seriously.

There's a lot of things I can't do.

- Math
- Rocket Science
- Biology
- Brain Surgery
- A woman

but flushing the toilet is something even I can achieve with 100% accuracy.

Now lets move on...shall we?

I spent Sat at a friend's house. I have two friends I spend the majority of my social time with. One being about 6'5 and 300 something, the other about 5'10 and 130. I find it amusing that both have tried wrestling me, yet both failed equally as miserably.

I ended up smoking...as I usually do. That shit must have been PHENOMENAL cause I was high after 3 hits. Of course that wouldn't be my last hits, I ended up getting so high I forgot how to hit a bong. I ended up blowing instead of sucking and weed flew everywhere.

Ever notice how weed makes pretty much everything better? I actually watched MTV without regret....well I didn't have much of a choice though. And even Disturbed sounds semi listenable when high enough. Korn is scary to listen to when impaired.

I might have been drunk too, I had several shots of moonshine, but I was already high so I don't know if it effected me or not. I assume it couldn't have hurt.

It was actually a pretty boring day... I got rather irreitible with one friend. Why do some people find it necessary to fuck with you when you're stoned? I'm sorry I don't enjoy having a shoe thrown at my face, being hit repeatedly in the knee, and tapped several times while trying to catch a quick nap. I can't say I enjoy watching an hour long game of Halo, just let me get a nap real quick...fuck!

Anyways...this is just rambling at this point anit it?

The Party Scene

I'm not a part of it, typically. Tonight was very little exception. Short story, I drank and made a bad decision. Long story, I drank a little bit of whiskey and some Godiva and was a little tipsy to where impulse wrote checks that I should not have cashed. So I brought out some energy powder in case anyone else wanted some since I didn't think I should have some and not share. No one really did, but someone suggested snorting and I said that I would, not expecting to be taken up on it. Well, I was and oh fuck my nose burns and all the muscles on the right side of my face are tighter than on the left. Holy fuckshit, srsly. Also, my innocent, skittish act seems to work really well, especially since I'm remotely good looking. Not hot, persay, but I've got a sort of charm. Anyway, tonight, it worked out to the tune of two attractive women trying to get me to grope them in the name of "coming out of my shell" and were grinding and kissing my cheeks and all other sorts of rad stuff which led to humor on my end knowing not only that I didn't have any problem with doing so, but that I had 2 of the 3 girls on me and that left 4 guys with nil. Overall, I call tonight a win with a sore nose.

Detective Dan's Christmas List

Following in the footsteps of my partner here, I've decided to post my christmas list. These aren't in exact order, but it's close enough.

- A midget
- A blow job
- A blow job from a midget
- Weed
- Money to buy more weed
- A weed giftcard
- The remaining members of the grateful dead
- Polio
- A flying car
- An Asian girl
- Jennifer Aniston's right nipple
- Tickets to Cheech and Chong's reunion tour
- A dead Rex Grossman
- Squall
- World pea....fuck that shit..

Christmas Wishlist

A friend of mine gave a great idea to post a wishlist and address on a blog and hope people randomly search it and give me stuff. Can't hurt.

-Money (preferably somewhere in the range of 2,000 or more dollars to open the new store)
-A large stock of coca-cola products
-A job (#1 is more likely)
-1 or more copies of Black Lotus (Magic:the Gathering)
-1 or more copies of A New Wall (Legend of the Five Rings)
-Any number of unredeemed Saga Booster Packs
-Madden 2009 for the XBox 360
-Controllers for the XBox 360
-Any number of rare Phoenix Clan Samurai or Celestial legal Personalities (Legend of the Five Rings)
-A "L" size or bigger #39 Willie Parker Pittsburgh Steelers jersey
-A "L" size or bigger #2 Matt Ryan Atlanta Falcons jersey
-A copy of the board game Descent
-A copy of the board game Tomb
-A copy of the "Jace vs Chandra Duel Decks" set (Magic: the Gathering)

More may be added later. Mail to

Andrew Jung
211 1/2 N. Richmond St Apt #4
Appleton, WI 54911

A Series of Rants About Stuff

Tattoos
What's the deal with people who think tattoos are wrong? It's my body, what gives people the right to tell me what I can or can't do with my body? If your issue is that it doesn't look good or that it doesn't 'fit' me somehow, that's cool, tell me and we'll talk about it. If your issue is something else, especially something religious, then go fuck yourself. I don't understand how religion can be applied to how one handles their own fuckin' body.

Music
I hate the concept of indy cred. I joke about it a lot when someone brings up a band I've never heard or mentions seeing a band that's unsigned at a show or something, but it's altogether stupid. What's the point of bragging about a band that you've heard of and no one else has? If they make good music, then tell people. If they're shit, don't brag just in case they get big. But tell people when you hear about good music.

Womenfolk
I wish there were more assertive women in the world. Women who would find a guy they find attractive and approach him. Because I'm a scrawny little bitch with a stutter who will almost never bring it up with women and even less likely approach women I find attractive. And there's plenty of guys out there like me. So women, go out there and be more assertive when you're interested in a guy.

Pro Wrestling
Don't shit on pro wrestling because its fake. Oh boo frickin' hoo, you guys watch movies and sitcoms, why is this different, just because it's supposed to be violence they're faking instead of emotion or romance? Fuck no. It's still entertainment on tv. And I happen to be a fan. So fuck you if you don't give a shit, don't give me shit about it. Because I don't give you shit when you go on and on about Lost.

Maybe more later.

BOW BEFORE YOUR NEW GOD

Now....in any profession there logically has to be one whom was the worst at said profession, yet there is also a top...someone who did their job better than ANYONE else.

Now in most professions the "best" of all time, is just an opinion...

In the profession known as "professional" wrestling, this isn't the case. There is a proven king, an undeniable overlord, a man who can out wrestle, out promo, and generally out perform the competition no matter who that competition may be. The man I speak of isn't Hogan, or Flair, or Steamboat, or Colt Cabana...though he's pretty damn close...the man I speak of....

MAVEN!!!!



Before you is the entrance video of ex WWE Star, legend, icon, and wrestling god, Maven. This is accompanied by the musical performance of "Tattoo" by the band Big Mother Thruster...whom..evolved [much like Maven did over time] into the current band known as Mercy Drive

Usually an entrance video or titantron is used to showcase the wrestler at their finest. Since there wasn't enough time to highlight Maven's unlimited talents, you'll have to settle for this.

Watch in sheer amazement as he dropkicks not one but TWO difference people, AND CLOTHESLINES TAZ!!!!

Nobody clotheslines TAZ.....no mere mortal that is.

Here's to you Maven....

Your retirement pained me more than any death, disease, plague, or Dane Cook movie ever could.

I'll miss you....

FOREVER

...I too wanna feel the nights...under the stars... but not without you...may you return someday, you magnificent bastard.

IM DETECTIVE DAN! and I'm a criminal...

Hello kids, your old pal DETECTIVE DAN...some may get that reference...here today to blog....using my logic to debunk rumors, falsehood or general propaganda.

Today's subject? MARIJUANA!

Upon reading this you should know the following.

I usually smoke pot once a week.
I do not smoke cigarettes.
I do not drink. [with exceptional swigs every now and then]
I do not do other drugs.

Okay lets start off with Prop 1 in Michigan... Now this prop makes medical marijuana legal in...you guessed... the state of Michigan.

As to my knowledge at this time, this prop came to pass which of course means that it's now legal in Michigan. [medicinal purposes only of course] As well as the state of Massachusetts.

Below is a video about an anti drug Czar speaking out about it....



Let's break this asshole's points down one by one...

Point 1 - We underestimate the "seriousness" of marijuana

Counterpoint - Notice how he doesn't elaborate? If we underestimate such...care to explain what it's true effects are?

Point 2 - "They could also get high on crack, meth, or heroine"

Counterpoint - All of which have been proven to cause harmful effects on a persons body unlike marijuana.

Point 3 - There is pollutants in the smoke as well as pesticides from the way it's grown.

Counterpoint - You mean similar to the pollutants in the cigarettes and pesticides in the fruit you legally sell?

Point 4 - Though people get high and feel better upon doing so, it isn't "medicine"

Counter - Care to explain what medicine is? Is medicine supposed to make you feel worse? By giving you pain pills or by numbing your body or giving you laughing gas are they not drugging you up? Making you feel better so you don't feel the pain beforehand which will lead to you feeling better after?

Point 5 - Smoked marijuana can not demonstrate an efficent and effective [medical] drug.

Counter - Last time I checked smoke wasn't the only way Marijuana or THC could enter your system to provide you with a relaxing high.... It can also be digested with food...

Point 6 - SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN... what type of example would marijuana vending machines set for the children?

Counter - ....Fuck your children. That's right I said it...fuck em'. Not literally of course, but in a metaphorical way. I'm tired of having my media censored, my music rated, my movies rated, and my video games rated as obscene or indecent because it may offend you or your child. Future blogs will elaborate more on that point, but mainly we as a society make decisions when we are adults. We have the power to vote as an adult, our voices are not heard until we become adults. Instead of having to police everything...why not FORCE the parents to do their duties as parents to talk to children about violence, sex, drugs, and everything else? Why should I have to suffer because Shela Soccer Mom is too busy baking cookies to talk to her son? If that's the case, she's a moron, her son doesn't have a future, and I'll be glad when they die.

Furthermore I actually watched a video about accessing these vending machines.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oe_6opRXOcg to be exact...

You have to go through a good amount of procedures first you must get a prescription you will then be finger printed and given an access card provided it's after store hours, they will be in the presence of a security guard they must slide the card put their finger prints in and their picture will be taken by a camera....

Which sounds harder for children to do? Pass all those procedures or....oh say..make a fake ID to access LEGAL alcohol or cigarettes...sometimes these children aren't even carded at all.

I won't be naive, sometimes those who aren't supposed to access it will, but it should happen much less frequently than alcohol or liquor.

FINAL POINT - Making medical marijuana legal is only putting a blanket over an addiction and justifying an addiction ignoring the harm it does to the user and community/society

Counter - what harm exactly? Has there been any proven health defects? Has marijuana been linked as the main cause of many or any crimes at all? Versus the car accidents from drinking and driving and the fights that occur at bars or in public all across the world?


Lets just be honest here....it isn't illegal because they care for our best interest. It's illegal because it doesn't make the government money...yet.

They have no problems selling cigarettes..which..rumor has it..could lead to cancer or alcohol which could lead to liver disease among car accidents and several other ways one could die.

Now sure...drinking and driving is illegal...but yet they have bars...places you to go that serve alcohol. Do they not sell alcohol at numerous events including fairs and sporting events?

One would figure if you drive there you must drive home.

That's what they want....

You see if you're busted for drinking and driving, being drunk in public, or violent crimes that could occur while being under the influence... you go to jail or get fined... either way the government makes money from your fuck up...do they not?

Now marijuana? I've yet to be angry whilist being stoned, nor have I acted out any violent behavior. If you don't commit crimes while stoned... you no makey government money do ya?

Now I believe that driving while being high is a bad idea as well, but with the technology we have THC in a persons system could easily be discovered. A simple hair sample or urine test following a car accident or speeding ticket could indicate if their was marijuana present in the individual's system.

Finally lets investigate...the commercials....

Since marijuana came to the United States..there has always been a commercial that has opposed it. Pretty much anything you could imagine has been invented to halt the use of marijuana. It could kill you, you could receive an STD, you could get sick, it'll reduce your sperm count, etc.

I think most people have seen these or know of these commercials as well as the movie Refer Madness.

Now time after time EACH myth has been proven to be untrue. Lets move to the present day anti weed commercials.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUxjI8BhJDk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYwxEW82Fok

First off the second commercial debunks the theory that marijuana is a "gateway" drug, which is something that's been shoved down our throats for millions of years.

Basically the point of these commercials state the point that you won't die of cancer from marijuana, you won't die of liver disease, you won't die in a car accident from marijuana... I'll sit on my couch, my life will be boring....and I won't have any friends....

Good thing you're so concerned with my social life.

Sure I could be outside, robbing banks, murdering people, raping women, molesting children, but I'm sitting on my couch instead... I'M SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

You know what they are doing?

They have realized that unlike the anti smoking commercials they can't use cancer or other health effects.

They have to use opinionated peer pressure nonsense. It is not a scientific fact that I will sit on my couch if I'm stoned, it's not scientifically proven that I won't have friends or a social life because of weed...

I can prove however, that I personally, have made friends because of weed. I can also confirm I've participated in social events because of weed and have done tasks of a social nature while under the influence.

Sure.. I may be under the influence of weed, but I'm above the influence of listening to what other people tell me and believing it as those it were gospel.

Further more, fuck the anti smoking commercials too. There are 0 commercials for cigarettes on television these days, yet billions of anti smoking commercials. If you care about my health, why not make commercials advising me that McDonalds in access could be bad for me as could soda, ice cream, or anything else with an abundance of sugar and fat?

What...that's supposed to be common knowledge? I'm supposed to already know that? Well I'm pretty sure it's also common knowledge that cigarettes are dangerous to one's health as well. In fact I remember learning about such in school, not because of a commercial I saw during WRASSLIN.

This is America, we have the freedom of speach. Though I may not like your commercials...you have the right to show them, but shouldn't...as long as it's legal... cigarette companies have a right to advertise their legal product like beer companies often do?

If they can't show their commercials, you shouldn't be allowed to read me the riot act.

Though I don't believe that marijuana should be illegal if cigarettes and alcohol aren't, I do believe that there are FAR worse problems in life to concern yourself with...then someone else's "second hand smoke"

So....

Roll a joint, puff a cigarette, pop a cap, and pretend that your life isn't as miserable as what it truly is.

Though in most cases you may not be a criminal, according to society you will be an asshole for all of the above.

IM DETECTIVE DAN [the criminal] AND IM SIGNING OFF.

Politalks

Politicians are liars.

While most of you would say that this is an obvious fact, let me ask you a question. Have you ever lied? Yes you have. So you are a liar. Do you believe you have been lied to by someone you trusted? Most likely. So people we think we can trust are liars. Do you believe you have ever been lied to by your parents? Almost certainly, especially if you had parents like mine. So our parents are liars. What is my point?

People are liars.

So if you're a liar, I'm a liar and we're voting for liars, does something not click here? How can we trust anything that we're actually saying about the people that run our lives? I've spent the past hour or so arguing with a friend about whether or not I should go out and vote tomorrow (today) and have come to the conclusion that he's voting because he believes that that is what fixes things. Which leads me to my next point.

The system is broken.

If there are two voting districts, each given 1 vote by the electoral college and containing 10,001 people and in 1, Obama gets 5,001 votes while McCain gets 5,000, Obama gets the 1 electoral vote. Meanwhile in district b, McCain gets 10,000 and Obama gets 1; McCain gets the 1 electoral vote. So while McCain has about 10k more votes, he's tied with Obama. Flawed system? Just a little. So how do we fix it?

Scrap the system.

Translation: No more electoral college. Popular vote for getting people elected. Would this change election results? Maybe 1 in 100 times. Would it matter a lot? No. Would it be a lot more work for the government? Certainly, because the government would have to make sure that every ballot was counted correctly, rather than hope they had the general gist of it and then count on the electoral college to get it right. But the government has never been a group that has liked to do lots of work. Which leads me into my final point.

The system won't fix itself.

Congress will not vote to change the electoral system. If a system gave you a position to change over a million people's lives, would you want to scrap that system? I wouldn't. I like power. And power corrupts. Which is why it has to be done by people like us. The average joes, the little guys, rising up, joining together and speaking up. If enough people want change, then change will happen, even if it has to be by force.

My Penis Hurts

Well, it appears my co-blogger is not going to show, so I'm gonna do this one on my own. Which means that, as much as I didn't want to be, I'm going to be the sole person associated with a blog titled, "Something Remotely Gay". Nothing against homosexuals, being bisexual myself, but it's a horrid name.

But anyway, on topic of the title, my penis hurts. I like to masturbate without the use of lube. No idea why outside of the fact that having lube out when masturbating makes it seem obvious what I was doing when someone who would notice or check in comes around. Anyway, today I was going to jerk off when this hot girl I know online signs on. Now, she and I used to do stuff via webcam and still do sometimes, so I have a decent imagination of what she looks like beneath the clothes. So I was kinda lightly jerking it to her on webcam (clothed) for an hour and a half till I finally decided to say, "Screw it," and did the task. Afterward, my wang was all red and raw from the lack of lube and constant friction and is now in seething pain from the 'raw skin'. Fortunately, that is my only lament at this time.

Stuff

This is a blog about stuff. It'll be funny, offensive and overall stupid. Enjoy.