Now, if you've read this blog at all, you'd agree with that. Both myself and umm...whatever he's calling himself, my co-blogger, are weird. But anyway, my sleep schedule is all kinds of screwed up. Last night, I dozed off during Bones sometime between 7:30 and 8pm, waking up at 1:30 am and I've been up since. I have class at 5:30pm tonight, so I'm 50/50 on whether or not I'll take a nap. It'd certainly help, but who knows?
The actual point of this blogging instance though, is two-fold. The first issue is with a female friend of mine who may or may not read this (she did once and mistook the last blog post for mine and flipped out). Either way, we had a very non-committal good friendship which I thought was going somewhere, until she (seemingly) suddenly decided, "Nope, I have feelings for another guy and he's just going to take your spot and I'm going to phase you out." So that hurt, because that just sounds umm...hurtful? I mean, we both agreed that we wanted to stay single, so there was no commitment or relationship for her to violate, but it still hurts. I guess that's what happens when two people have different plans for a relationship.
The second issue is how I deal with this hurt. And that is with "raw rock," also known as the band Showbread and their incredible dual-album, Anorexia Nervosa. Now, really this is two different cds, one titled Anorexia and one titled Nervosa, but the phenomenal pick-me-up that just throwing these on, and the smile I get from sitting here listening to them is something that has so far been unrepeatable (not the word I'm looking for, but I can't find that one). The first time I did this was when there was the issue with the older guy who slept with my sister (he's in prison, bad story, not interesting) and I sat under a desk with a blanket blocking out light and just rocked out for a bit. Today, I tried the desk thing again, but it didn't work so good, so I just drew the blinds and the shades (I have both, yes) and tried to zone the world out. And so far, it's working.
Plans for today: Mowing the lawn, watching 2-3 episodes of Leverage, 1-2 episodes of Dark Blue, going to class, and possibly taking a nap.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Long Time No See: The Lucy Chronicles
I don't even know if people read this shit.
Probably not, but that's a good thing.
You see I'm writing this not so much for the benefit of a potential reader, but for my benefit. To see what happens in time, weeks, months, years after this moment in my life transpired. To see how I felt them and to reflect on the saga that I know awaits.
I really don't know how to get into this subject....
I guess I'll start off by saying I have a major crush right now.
It all started about 3 weeks or so ago. A friend of mine now has roommates living with him. Hence the term roommates right?
Well I can't stand one, but that's for another day. Instead of focusing on her, let's talk about the good one.
So the first time we met was 3 weeks ago. We were talking and somewhere into the conversation she claims to be addicted to sex. And that point in my life and I guess even to today I believed I knew everyone. That there were only so many different personalities. I believed that I knew everyone, that I could label them, that I could mark them as predictable. When she claimed to be a sex addict I shrugged it off believing it was just something she said cause she thought it was something I'd want to hear. That she was trying to sound cool.
Well my friend calls me, he has the money he owed me. Well on the phone he says his rommate (the bitch not the good one) has an offer for me. She says she'll not only pay me back, but she'll show and perhaps even let me touch her tits. Well I was in a position where I was desperate for that type of attention regardless of how tainted and manipulative it was. Needless to say I've yet to see a dime or boob from her. I hope she gets cancer.
Anyways my friend goes to score some "party favors" if you catch my drift. This leaves me in the living room with the good roommate (we'll call her Lucy) and some guy I just met. This gentleman seems to be a bit older than the rest of the crowd, I'd peg him at late 20's to early 30's. He starts bullshiting with me about shit I couldn't begin to care about. Being polite I threw in the occasional nod and agreement as to indicate I was in fact paying attention to what he was saying. Well somewhere into his boring tales of kitchen ware and landscaping Lucy says she's allergic to something. She was apparently breaking out earlier and she now has this cream for the allergies. She asks the man with the amazing boring stories (lets call him Jimmy) to rub her back.
A bit awkward for me, but nothing too obscene in my eyes. I roll with the punches, listening to them talk or perhaps participating in a conversation with Jimmy, I'm unsure as to what happened. Well Lucy says everything itches. Her back itches, her tummy itches, her tits itch. Again I think nothing of this. I then watch as Lucy's shirt comes up, her bra elevates, I come face to face...sadly for the first time with the breasts of a female. I was taken back, I couldn't believe what was going on as I watched him rub her breasts, yet I couldn't pull my eyes off the scene. I had too many moments in my life that I've lived to regret, I didn't know when the next opportunity would arise and I didn't want to regret not seeing her topless.
After this uncomfortable moment passes, I begin to realize that she is what she claims to be. A few moments later Lucy says she needs money for cigarettes. Now this is where this blog gets fun if you'd like to call it that.
I tell her that I have 2 dollars, but it's gonna cost her. She asks what I'm talking about, I follow it up by miming out what I had just seen. She agrees to let me touch her breasts. She approaches me, and once again removes her bra giving me an up close look this time. I begin to fondle her firm breasts, taking in the entire scenery of it all. I then get the bold idea to ask her if I could suck one. She agrees and I find the same lips I planted on the forehead of my 11th month old cousin hours earlier now placed around the nipple of a girl I had met only once before.
The funny part is...I had 60 bucks in my wallet. She could have made off like a bandit, but needless to say I was more than willing to part with 2 of those dollars for such an experience.
In celebration I decided to withdraw a bit of weed from my secret stash. We get pretty high, putting a topper on the night.
I watch and notice that after that incident she makes note to make eye contact with me. Now throughout the night there were multiple people coming in and out. So I find it a bit of a positive sign that she'd look at me before, during, or after a story whether or not she was addressing me at the time or not.
She leaves later on in the night and I'll address that later.
Well she get back the next day and again it's rub time again. This experience was much different from the other. It wasn't Jimmy this time, it was my friend, her roommate. He started rubbing on her pretty much without permission, like he just starts touching. I watch as he rubs her back, her stomach, her tits, and even her ass. I begin to question where I stand after witnessing such a thing. My doubts our put to ease when she goes on to tell me about how he once demanded that she either find him some action or provide it herself. In not such pleasant terms. Needless to say she didn't comply in either form of the request. She then goes on to say that he doesn't have a chance, that she doesn't want him to get the wrong idea, and she even searches for the right way to tell him she isn't interested.
This puts some of my fears to bed. I watch the door close on him while wondering about the status of myself.
See the thing is......
There's kind of a guy.
She really likes him and apparently he really likes her. However, he's got a girlfriend and apparently she's not too heavily committed seeing how friendly she was to me among others.
But see the thing is....
They fucked the first night, they fucked again the next afternoon. He says he loves her, but she isn't sure if she believes him. He still has a girlfriend and she's still just as promiscuous.
As for me I don't know. While she does like that guy, the doors aren't necessarily closed for others. I've reviewed what happened and I'm still kind of unsure of everything. Is she interested? I want her to be, but at the same time I don't know what I want.
I feel like I have a decent chance of sleeping with her, but I'm beginning to wonder if even that would be enough. I feel kind of like if that were to happen that I'd want more. I'd at least want another round, but more importantly I feel like that contact may not be enough. I feel like i might need a relationship. Someone who legitmiately loves me, someone that believes in me, someone who isn't obligated to care about me, yet does anyways. I guess I'm looking for something real, a full on commitment which seems far from likely at this point.
Following my latest fling...a whopping two years ago I don't know what to do. After being denied by this girl I once knew, one I felt believed in me and understood me. One I felt like I could trust and tell anyone to. We talked for hours and hours, online, text messages, what have you. After that ended....I was at the lowest I've ever been. I considered ending it, which is something I never hope to think of again as well as a place I never want to find myself again.
By realizing what happened last time, I feel like the grip is loosening a bit. Still though I can't help but to think about her. She hasn't left my mind since our encounter that night. She's changed how I feel about myself, how I feel about life in general. I find myself much more confident, much more happy.
I'm preparing myself for a proverbial walk in the dark. I don't know what lies ahead, but I can only hope for the best. However, after convincing myself that something is bound to happen, if it doesn't...I don't know what I'll do.
So here it is, the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Something that will ultimately change my life, hopefully for the better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is....
I'm in love, and I hate it.
Probably not, but that's a good thing.
You see I'm writing this not so much for the benefit of a potential reader, but for my benefit. To see what happens in time, weeks, months, years after this moment in my life transpired. To see how I felt them and to reflect on the saga that I know awaits.
I really don't know how to get into this subject....
I guess I'll start off by saying I have a major crush right now.
It all started about 3 weeks or so ago. A friend of mine now has roommates living with him. Hence the term roommates right?
Well I can't stand one, but that's for another day. Instead of focusing on her, let's talk about the good one.
So the first time we met was 3 weeks ago. We were talking and somewhere into the conversation she claims to be addicted to sex. And that point in my life and I guess even to today I believed I knew everyone. That there were only so many different personalities. I believed that I knew everyone, that I could label them, that I could mark them as predictable. When she claimed to be a sex addict I shrugged it off believing it was just something she said cause she thought it was something I'd want to hear. That she was trying to sound cool.
Well my friend calls me, he has the money he owed me. Well on the phone he says his rommate (the bitch not the good one) has an offer for me. She says she'll not only pay me back, but she'll show and perhaps even let me touch her tits. Well I was in a position where I was desperate for that type of attention regardless of how tainted and manipulative it was. Needless to say I've yet to see a dime or boob from her. I hope she gets cancer.
Anyways my friend goes to score some "party favors" if you catch my drift. This leaves me in the living room with the good roommate (we'll call her Lucy) and some guy I just met. This gentleman seems to be a bit older than the rest of the crowd, I'd peg him at late 20's to early 30's. He starts bullshiting with me about shit I couldn't begin to care about. Being polite I threw in the occasional nod and agreement as to indicate I was in fact paying attention to what he was saying. Well somewhere into his boring tales of kitchen ware and landscaping Lucy says she's allergic to something. She was apparently breaking out earlier and she now has this cream for the allergies. She asks the man with the amazing boring stories (lets call him Jimmy) to rub her back.
A bit awkward for me, but nothing too obscene in my eyes. I roll with the punches, listening to them talk or perhaps participating in a conversation with Jimmy, I'm unsure as to what happened. Well Lucy says everything itches. Her back itches, her tummy itches, her tits itch. Again I think nothing of this. I then watch as Lucy's shirt comes up, her bra elevates, I come face to face...sadly for the first time with the breasts of a female. I was taken back, I couldn't believe what was going on as I watched him rub her breasts, yet I couldn't pull my eyes off the scene. I had too many moments in my life that I've lived to regret, I didn't know when the next opportunity would arise and I didn't want to regret not seeing her topless.
After this uncomfortable moment passes, I begin to realize that she is what she claims to be. A few moments later Lucy says she needs money for cigarettes. Now this is where this blog gets fun if you'd like to call it that.
I tell her that I have 2 dollars, but it's gonna cost her. She asks what I'm talking about, I follow it up by miming out what I had just seen. She agrees to let me touch her breasts. She approaches me, and once again removes her bra giving me an up close look this time. I begin to fondle her firm breasts, taking in the entire scenery of it all. I then get the bold idea to ask her if I could suck one. She agrees and I find the same lips I planted on the forehead of my 11th month old cousin hours earlier now placed around the nipple of a girl I had met only once before.
The funny part is...I had 60 bucks in my wallet. She could have made off like a bandit, but needless to say I was more than willing to part with 2 of those dollars for such an experience.
In celebration I decided to withdraw a bit of weed from my secret stash. We get pretty high, putting a topper on the night.
I watch and notice that after that incident she makes note to make eye contact with me. Now throughout the night there were multiple people coming in and out. So I find it a bit of a positive sign that she'd look at me before, during, or after a story whether or not she was addressing me at the time or not.
She leaves later on in the night and I'll address that later.
Well she get back the next day and again it's rub time again. This experience was much different from the other. It wasn't Jimmy this time, it was my friend, her roommate. He started rubbing on her pretty much without permission, like he just starts touching. I watch as he rubs her back, her stomach, her tits, and even her ass. I begin to question where I stand after witnessing such a thing. My doubts our put to ease when she goes on to tell me about how he once demanded that she either find him some action or provide it herself. In not such pleasant terms. Needless to say she didn't comply in either form of the request. She then goes on to say that he doesn't have a chance, that she doesn't want him to get the wrong idea, and she even searches for the right way to tell him she isn't interested.
This puts some of my fears to bed. I watch the door close on him while wondering about the status of myself.
See the thing is......
There's kind of a guy.
She really likes him and apparently he really likes her. However, he's got a girlfriend and apparently she's not too heavily committed seeing how friendly she was to me among others.
But see the thing is....
They fucked the first night, they fucked again the next afternoon. He says he loves her, but she isn't sure if she believes him. He still has a girlfriend and she's still just as promiscuous.
As for me I don't know. While she does like that guy, the doors aren't necessarily closed for others. I've reviewed what happened and I'm still kind of unsure of everything. Is she interested? I want her to be, but at the same time I don't know what I want.
I feel like I have a decent chance of sleeping with her, but I'm beginning to wonder if even that would be enough. I feel kind of like if that were to happen that I'd want more. I'd at least want another round, but more importantly I feel like that contact may not be enough. I feel like i might need a relationship. Someone who legitmiately loves me, someone that believes in me, someone who isn't obligated to care about me, yet does anyways. I guess I'm looking for something real, a full on commitment which seems far from likely at this point.
Following my latest fling...a whopping two years ago I don't know what to do. After being denied by this girl I once knew, one I felt believed in me and understood me. One I felt like I could trust and tell anyone to. We talked for hours and hours, online, text messages, what have you. After that ended....I was at the lowest I've ever been. I considered ending it, which is something I never hope to think of again as well as a place I never want to find myself again.
By realizing what happened last time, I feel like the grip is loosening a bit. Still though I can't help but to think about her. She hasn't left my mind since our encounter that night. She's changed how I feel about myself, how I feel about life in general. I find myself much more confident, much more happy.
I'm preparing myself for a proverbial walk in the dark. I don't know what lies ahead, but I can only hope for the best. However, after convincing myself that something is bound to happen, if it doesn't...I don't know what I'll do.
So here it is, the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Something that will ultimately change my life, hopefully for the better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is....
I'm in love, and I hate it.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Purgatory
He wants to talk, but he remains silent.
Slowly becoming an outsider even within his inner circle.
If he doesn't speak he doesn't say anything dumb.
He hopes you'll care.
That the silence will provide a mystique.
Maybe it does, but it's a mystery not worth solving.
He's afraid to reach out, cause he can't gaurentee they'll be a hand to greet him
He's not depressed, he's just disappointed.
He watches the success of others while trying to numb his own downfalls.
He realizes that nothing happens if you don't take chances
But he's more comfortable with the rejection he does know than the rejection he could face.
He's going nowhere, and even so he's lost. He struggles for a new direction.
Slowly becoming an outsider even within his inner circle.
If he doesn't speak he doesn't say anything dumb.
He hopes you'll care.
That the silence will provide a mystique.
Maybe it does, but it's a mystery not worth solving.
He's afraid to reach out, cause he can't gaurentee they'll be a hand to greet him
He's not depressed, he's just disappointed.
He watches the success of others while trying to numb his own downfalls.
He realizes that nothing happens if you don't take chances
But he's more comfortable with the rejection he does know than the rejection he could face.
He's going nowhere, and even so he's lost. He struggles for a new direction.
Friday, June 19, 2009
RAAAAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My laptop is such a piece of crap. It is a Gateway M-1625, for those wondering. It only has about an hour of battery life, and sadly, even a shorter amount of life due to the crappy fan in the computer that causes it to overheat after about 40 minutes of use. It is a sad day on Earth when a laptop won't even stay on long enough for its battery to die. And even worse, I took it to Best Buy a month and a half ago to get fixed after it heated itself so much to melt a component and no longer turn on. While there, I mentioned the problem, and nothing was done to correct it, as I received the computer back turning on, but still lasting only about 3 hours after being turned on. This has decreased down to 40 minutes due to the lack of a/c in my apartment, keeping the place perpetualy around 80 degrees.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Blogging for the sake of Blogging
Uhh, yeah... I don't have much to talk about. LIfe has been slow these past few weeks. Tutoring the past 2 Thursdays, almost out of alcohol, pretty much broke. Not to mope. I get $5 tomorrow, might smoke tomorrow as well. I'd almost prefer not to, I'm just not in the mood. A weekend free of people sounds absolutely fantastic. Though my friends are coming back into town tonight, so we'll see what shenanigans go down. Stupid cabin.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Stressed Venting
I'm infatuated with a married woman. She went to my high school for a semester before transferring due to being picked on. I was going to ask her out on her second-to-last day there. I was talked out of it by someone who I'm pretty sure doesn't like me today and most likely didn't like me then, as evidenced by this and other things. Anyway, we've started talking recently and she drinks now, and her husband is in the military and not around and she's absolutely gorgeous. Like, I must stop and confess my undying love gorgeous. And she's smart, a double major nursing and psychology. I have no idea what to do. I've invited her over for alcohol, since I'm 21 and can buy it and she likes to drink it and I hope to God that nothing happens that would ruin our friendship but if things were to happen I don't know how terrible I'd feel or how much I'd be murdered by her military husband.
On the next female note, there's another girl that I've been on and off with, sorta for 3 years. Not quite on and off, more like trying to make it on for 3 years and always striking out. First, I left for college which was six hours away. We agreed that with the distance, we weren't going to try anything but if we were both single when I got back, we'd go for it. Well, I came back engaged to a semi-bitch (everyone else sees her as a bitch) who I met online and she was hurt. Then I moved home, we worked through it and were close again and then she disappeared for a few months while dealing with being raped by a co-worker. Then we got close again and I had to move with my family two hours away because my attempts to get an apartment fell through. Now I've moved back and she doesn't want to date me until she's sure that I'm going to hang around. She's also got a boyfriend, but has stated that she'd rather be with me, just can't trust me to not move away. But in the meantime, she wants me to be the other guy. I don't know if I can do that. I really want to be with her and when I am, its all smiles, which is something I can't say for anyone else. But she's very sexual and I'm not, which is the biggest issue in the relationship. I have no idea what I'm doing in between making out and sex. And right now, we've basically agreed that if clothes don't come off, its not cheating. So I need to figure out what I can do...
*Sigh* I'm so incompetent.
On the next female note, there's another girl that I've been on and off with, sorta for 3 years. Not quite on and off, more like trying to make it on for 3 years and always striking out. First, I left for college which was six hours away. We agreed that with the distance, we weren't going to try anything but if we were both single when I got back, we'd go for it. Well, I came back engaged to a semi-bitch (everyone else sees her as a bitch) who I met online and she was hurt. Then I moved home, we worked through it and were close again and then she disappeared for a few months while dealing with being raped by a co-worker. Then we got close again and I had to move with my family two hours away because my attempts to get an apartment fell through. Now I've moved back and she doesn't want to date me until she's sure that I'm going to hang around. She's also got a boyfriend, but has stated that she'd rather be with me, just can't trust me to not move away. But in the meantime, she wants me to be the other guy. I don't know if I can do that. I really want to be with her and when I am, its all smiles, which is something I can't say for anyone else. But she's very sexual and I'm not, which is the biggest issue in the relationship. I have no idea what I'm doing in between making out and sex. And right now, we've basically agreed that if clothes don't come off, its not cheating. So I need to figure out what I can do...
*Sigh* I'm so incompetent.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Alcoholism and You
So, today is my 21st birthday and as such, I am now an alcoholic instead of an underage drinker. As such, here is some alcoholic's advice.
-If you don't like beer, Wikipedia has a great list of cocktails. Hehe, cocktails.
-Someone always knows where to get cheaper liquor than you.
-If you sleep on a couch at home, it won't feel weird passing out on one when you're away. Ditto about using sleeping bags.
-Plan your sleeping arrangements to have the straightest line to the bathroom possible in case of throwing up. Though if you're smart, you know how not to throw up.
-Energy drinks are good preventative measures for hangovers.
And that's all I've got. I promised people I'd post and have now done so. Yay.
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